From Unwanted & Unlovable to Miracle not Mistake
[00:00:00] Sarah: All of these feelings of being unwanted… unlovable. I didn’t feel like I had a place. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. I always felt like I was an inconvenience. I didn’t feel like I was a valuable member of my family. And to be honest, a lot of times growing up, I felt like I would be better off if I wasn’t there and maybe not even born. But now the memories that used to bring me doubt and hurt and sadness don’t haunt me anymore. I have the peace that passes all understanding, and I’m actually grateful to have these memories to look back on because they show me and prove to me where God brought good from these bad experiences. I want to say that this is probably the best feeling that I’ve had since I received salvation from the Lord.
[00:01:37] Jennifer Love: Last week, Don invited Sarah, a woman who’s popped into our listening and inner healing prayer meetings once every couple of years, to share her testimony about how these visits helped her to pray through issues related to anxiety, depression, and forgiveness. Today’s interview is part two of her story. This part of her story is fresh as it just happened last month at our ladies retreat.
[00:01:56] Jennifer Love: And Don asked me to share a little bit about the ladies retreat and it was an idea I was really excited about. So with each of these events, we’re trying to set it up where people can get in the habit of listening to the Lord and just talking with Him about how they should spend their time or how they should move forward in decisions. And so what I did at this. Was I started off with not giving everyone the schedule. What I wanted them to do first was for us to gather around God’s word. See how do people connect with other believers? How do they spend time alone? How they spend time with the Lord? In worship? In the word? And then for us to ask the Lord, how is he drawing us individually to spend time with Him? So I just thought what a cool concept to have everyone together, to set up all these different workshops, where people could go and spend time in different ways with the Lord, whether it was sitting around the piano singing or going on a hike together. And for them to ask Lord, how do you want me to spend my time with you? And what is it Lord that you want to give me during this time? So, what I loved out of that was one just drawing together, lots of different volunteers from our church and putting them in places where they are using their gifts and just really excited to be able to do so, but also to find people be surprised that they didn’t do the thing that they thought they should do, or maybe they always did, but they went and spent time in a different kind of station, like, and kind of a reflective art time perhaps. And thought I never do art, but I loved it! And I felt like it was what the Lord wanted me to do. And he met me there. And so it was just so cool to see all of these things working together.
[00:03:24] Jennifer Love: What I really loved about all of that was just setting up these opportunities for women to be together, but also just to listen to the Lord, to consider Him and to ask Him what He wants them to do next, and to see the fruitfulness come out of that, where they did the unexpected thing, but there was a lot of blessing in it.
[00:03:41] Jennifer Love: And the last part that I love was the women who have been walking with us through this kind of discipleship prayer group we’ve been doing on Sunday nights, they got to be the ones in the prayer rooms. So I got to sit back a little bit and have people sign up and then have those women who’ve been going through the training together with us, go into the prayer room and pray through things with them. And that was also kind of a central part of our retreat.
[00:04:02] Jennifer Love: So one of the other benefits after the retreat is to be able to hear a story like Sarah’s that came out of that time, set up in those prayer rooms. And now we get to hear part two of Sarah’s story.
[00:04:18] Don Love: You just attended a retreat with Jen. So tell a little bit about that.
[00:04:24] Sarah: So this is a women’s retreat that I attended and up until that point, I was really, really excited about it. And I would love to tell you about the events that took place that brought on this excitement.
[00:04:43] Don Love: Sure!
[00:04:43] Sarah: During the winter months, I would just always experience these symptoms of depression. I was at a place where, I just had zero interest in actually living. My schedule revolved around, waking up as late as I possibly could. I would go to work when it was necessary. And as soon as I got home, I would take a nap on the couch. And then after that, I would wake up with just enough energy to put myself to bed. And even the basic necessities of life, figuring out what I was going to eat for the day. It was just this all consuming, painful topic. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe that I have to figure out what I’m going to eat. And , I didn’t want to do anything. I think it’s really important to take care of yourself, but it was getting to the point where… I was literally doing nothing. Even taking a shower was difficult for me because it just seemed like it was going to be this huge daunting task. It was in January when I realized that this is a common occurrence. Maybe I should get some help. The anniversary of my mother passing is in January. So the combination of seasonal depression and probably this subconscious state of mind, knowing that the anniversary of my mom passing is coming up. I’m sure that all of that contributed to the state that I was in. With my counselor, I worked through some things, but one of the discussions that we had was that I needed to forgive my mother for events that took place when I was a child, some core memories that I have that basically at this point, anytime I thought of my mother, that wound of what had happened during these memories was constantly being reopened. And the topic of forgiveness was really difficult for me to approach because of these memories. And I can remember because this is just a couple months ago at this point, I can remember that feeling like what had happened with my mom and experiencing that hurt over and over again, every time I thought about it, I can remember how fresh it felt. It still felt like it had just happened. I couldn’t even bring myself to say that I forgive my mom out loud, much less know that I meant it in my heart. And I didn’t want to think about my mom in this negative way. I mean, in my first pray through it session with you. I was very reliant on my mother. But at this point in my life, what was affecting me the worst was these events that had happened in my childhood. And I could only think about my mom in this negative way. And how could I possibly forgive her when these memories are the first things that pop up in my mind concerning anything about her? Yeah.
[00:08:24] Don Love: So tell me about what happened at the retreat.
[00:08:27] Sarah: As soon as I found out that the women’s retreat was going to happen. I knew that I needed to book it right away. I felt like this was where my breakthrough was going to happen. I knew that with my past experience, with praying through things, I felt like my breakthrough was going to take place and it wasn’t going to be a small step. I felt deep within myself that it was going to be huge. So as soon as I found out where it was, I signed up for a, private prayer session. Right before I met with these two ladies for my prayer session, there was a little devotional that Jen was leading and one of the things that the Lord brought to my mind at the time was just this big black something. I couldn’t really tell if it was an object or if it was space. I really had no idea. And that’s about as far as I could get. So once I met during the prayer session, God revealed to me that the big black something was actually a ball and chain. And in my line of vision, before I met with them, It was completely and totally all consuming. Like all I could see was black, I couldn’t see anything around it. All I could see was like an up close magnifying glass. Huge black, all consuming. And when I was asked, if I could hand it to Jesus. I, I knew that I could not, it was just too early for me to try to hand that over and something about the obstacle I wanted to hang on to. So in the distance, I actually saw Jesus walking behind me and I realized at that time that we were at the ocean. Specifically, on a beach and it got to the point, where I was able to remove the chain from my ankle and just kind of move away from it a little bit. And I saw Jesus come up from behind me to the obstacle that had been dragging me down for years. And I saw Jesus pick it up, like it was a toy ball and he hurled it into the depths of the ocean miles away from the shore. I really felt compelled after that event to write a word in the sand. And this word really describes how I felt the majority of the time when I was a child. It’s something that I felt the most from my mother and the word is unwanted. Yeah. So of course this word actually comes with a lot of negative emotions and negative feelings, but it also means that I felt like an inconvenience to my mother and my family growing up. I didn’t feel like I had a place. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. I always felt like I was an inconvenience. That’s another word that had been following me around. So I didn’t feel like I was a valuable member of my family. And to be honest, I felt like a lot of times growing up, I felt like I would be better off if I wasn’t there and maybe not even born. I had never struggled with thoughts of harming myself. So it wasn’t that I wanted to harm myself. It’s just that I thought, well, I’m such an inconvenience that it would be best for me to just not even be here. That’s how worthless I felt. So after I wrote the word unwanted in the sand, a wave actually came up and washed over it. And as the wave moved back into the ocean, I noticed that the word was replaced with miracle and that was the moment when my breakthrough happened. This is the thought that went through my head- “of course I am a miracle.” I was actually conceived at a time when it would normally be difficult for a woman to get pregnant. My mother was nursing my brother at the time who was only six months old. And all of these feelings of being unwanted… unlovable. What this word miracle shows me, is that the reason I endured all of the pain as a child, all the loneliness is so I can actually be an encouragement to other people. I’m realizing that I’m hypersensitive to those who are around me that are hurting. And I now use this ability that the Lord has given me to encourage people around me. And it’s really, really incredible because I know my childhood has a significant role in gaining the ability to encourage people around me. So I’m not an inconvenience, I’m not unwanted. And the Lord also brought the word “joy” to me in this moment. I bring joy to those who are around me. I relate to them. I hurt with them. I encourage them. It comes so naturally to me to love on others.
[00:15:14] Sarah: Now the memories that used to bring me doubt and hurt and sadness, they don’t haunt me anymore. I look back on them with a completely neutral lens. And if anything, I’m actually grateful to have these memories to look back on because they show me and prove where God brought good from these bad experiences and memories.
[00:15:42] Sarah: I’ve completely walked away from this session feeling like a completely and totally new person. I want to say that this is probably the best feeling that I’ve had since I received salvation from the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding, this hurt that I’ve been dealing with. And you’ll notice that there’s different types of hurt with each session that I’ve had that there’s different types of hurts and different situations in my life where I’ve needed it the most at these times. And the Lord has always brought good from these hurts. And it’s amazing that I’ve been able to forgive my mother. And walk away feeling like a totally new person and it’s not haunting me anymore.
[00:16:58] Don Love: Excellent. And so the cool thing we reconnected here because you’re getting ready to come to our three-day training coming up here in June.
[00:17:05] Sarah: I am really excited about it.
[00:17:07] Don Love: Well, we look forward to having you there.
[00:17:09] Sarah: I’m excited to be there too. And I’m just excited with how the Lord has been using you and Jen to bring people closer to Him. Praying through it is something that I feel very passionately about. This is the third time that I’ve experienced such a life changing experience. And as a teacher, I would love to be able to have this as a tool to be able to witness to my students. And , just like yourself, you brought this to your students. And I love the idea that I can also share everything that I have gained with them and pray through things with my students.
[00:18:07] Don Love: Excellent. Thanks for taking the time to share with us and share your journey as it unfolds.
[00:18:14]
[00:18:20] Jennifer Love: As we conclude this episode, it might be important to note that Sarah’s story is a good example of how inner healing should be considered as something that’s both an event that often occurs during a single prayer session, and it should be considered something that’s also a process that occurs through weeks, months, and years, as we continue to process life through prayer.
[00:18:38] Don Love: You’ll notice that many of the people that we’ve interviewed on unquenchable are looking back on prayer sessions, years after they’ve happened. And while they knew something significant happened on that day, for many of them, they only realize the full impact of the prayer session weeks, or even years later, as they look back on how it rippled out into other areas of their beliefs, identity, and life strategies.
[00:19:00] Jennifer Love: So it’s so important that we view this kind of life change that happens through prayer as both a single significant event, as well as a process that takes time to walk out.
[00:19:09] Don Love: Yes, exactly. And if you really want to continue to experience life change through prayer, it’s going to be most effective when you develop your own prayer life so that you can pray through things moment by moment, as you go through your day.
[00:19:21] Jennifer Love: Otherwise you might just find yourself on the roller coaster of ups and downs, and you live on the mountain tops of each prayer session experience only to find yourself living low in the valley between each session. After all, what we were advocating is not simply prayer, but a conversational lifestyle with God through Christ. And that’s not something that just happens in key moments spent in community, but also many, many tiny and significant interactions with the Lord. As you learn more and more to live life in communion with Him.
[00:19:47] Don Love: And it’s, for this reason that we’re doing all that we can to not only pray through things with folks, but to help, to train and disciple them, to pray through things on their own on a moment-by-moment basis, as they learn to live in conversation with God.
[00:19:59] Jennifer Love: And this is why we are working to develop listening and inner healing, prayer groups, and teams, wherever we can.
[00:20:04] Don Love: And we hope to see you at one of our retreats sometime soon. Like the one that’s coming up here in June.
[00:20:10] Jennifer Love: But until then, keep listening and prayer.
